Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
