there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
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i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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