either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
