I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
