i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize