I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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