well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
