why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
