i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
