I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
