Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
