It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
