Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
