I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
