You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
