Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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