I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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