Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
