Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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