So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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