You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
