I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
