btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
