i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
