sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
