i think my mom watched the whole time
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.