you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
