hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
