My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
