I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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