i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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