i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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