I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
