I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
