I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
