I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
