I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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