i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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