Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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