final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
