so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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