through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
