I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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