I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
