i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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