You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.