ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
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His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field