God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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