wanna go halves on a baby?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
