I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
