The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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