i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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