I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
